Faded Vanilla Twilight

Archive for June 2011

All the romantic novels which I read always told me that Love is beautiful, love is what you breathe, and love, is the reason why you lived.
Maybe that was a bit excessive. Because seriously, they didn’t know anything exactly about love, they brag all about it without knowing what it means. Honestly, I never thought of loving someone, because I didn’t know how it felt. Now that I came to its world the more I didn’t get it.
Because they said there were some kind of different ways to love and to be loved. So many, that I couldn’t guess what’s mine. But I knew a few of those kinds, which were actually two sorts that form sided to many kinds.
A love that enlightened your life, and love that broke your heart.
I preferred the first part. But shame, that, God planned the otherwise.
So, yeah. According of how love impacted me so bad with all the feelings it put me through about William and his girlfriend, Cassie. In my case, Love was not so beautiful, and, if love is what I breathed, then, I would be no longer breathing by now.

“So what are you exactly thinking about Birthday girl” Stephanie said snapping her head at me…

“Actually I was thinking about the recent past in my life” I said.

“What’s so special about that to get in to a deep thought” Roxanne questioned

“Again you guys started that usual question paper..Come on guys..it’s my birthday at least give me a break!” I yelled at both of them in dismay..Already I was messed up because of William and on the other hand both of my best friends were making me uncomfortable…

“Okay Jazz…Sorry..Let’s talk about some thing else…So why didn’t you tell any one that it’s your birthday today…You didn’t even tell William about that…He will worry surely after getting the late news about your birthday” Stephanie pacified..

“Guys… I’m not a rock star either an actor to spread about my birthday all around”I interrupted.

Roxie giggled hilariously…

I dropped the topic so lightly, now we could enjoy talking without arguing. You could say I was wise, or mother-like, some might say, but that was me, interceding both their arguments and fights, and sometimes my friends would call me their ‘cheese butter’ not because I was sticky but the way I could stick them together. So yeah – I was a control freak. I was so much in control that no one could surmise what’s really on my mind

****************************************************************************

I didn’t have a single pleasures thought of celebrating my birthday with my friends..Even no one knew about it too..I didn’t afford myself to remind them about it…It was just another usual lonely insecure day for me…

I was at the Science lab alone with few couple of beakers,waiting for my two best friends..Suddenly William appeared next to me with Cassie and she started holding his hand tightly… Urghh! I felt like slapping on her face but I couldn’t Because Cassie and William both were lovers..Perfect lovers..Which god made for each other..!

But me I was a silly little piece of shit,who was staring at those two lovers!

“Helloooo! Jasmine” For my relief,Dastan walked towards me from NO WHERE! I didn’t see him until he come towards me..I was floating in William’s thoughts…

“Hey” I replied..

“Hey Birthday girl..You are looking so gloomy” Dastan cried out of blue…

From a glance William’s eyes narrowed in to mine from far away proving me that he heard Dastan’s words…Which meant he found that it was my birthday!

William had a big suspicious look and he started at me like I was an alien from mars…

“I have something for you” Dastan immediately ran his fingers in to his trouser pockets and dragged a small red box…

“It’s for you…” He said plating the small box on my hands…

I diverted my look from him to the small box which he gave me and started tearing the wrapper slowly…

It was a beautiful pendent in the letter J

“Woww..JJJJJ!!!” I cried with excitement…

Dastan gave me the same usual smile…

But how could I accept such a valuable gift from him..I was just a friend of him…

“Well..Dastan..this is amazing..I really like it..But I can’t accept this..I mean I’m sorry..I don’t need any gifts from you..Just need you as my friend” I gave him a helpless look..

Again he gave me a random smile and held my hand softly…

“Look Jasmine…I have everything with me…But You are the only thing which I didn’t own since 26 years of my life..I can’t let you go easily..So this is just a small contribute for our friendship..Please don’t ignore..You must accept this”

His kind words melted my heart so much..He was one in a million..unlike William and the other guys,whom I met since so far…

“Okay…” I replied him shortly..All I wanted is to make him happy..

Breaking our glance,William started coming towards us…Sensing the sudden danger I tried to pick up my stuff which were on the Lab table..

“Are you going some where” Dastan asked

“Yah Dastan..I should find Stephanie and Roxie…”

“Ha ha your funny buddies…Okay Then I’ll catch you later” Dastan went passing me and it was my chance to rush out from the class room..I hurriedly picked up all my stuff and ran towards the entrance door..I heard William’s steady foot steps behind me…

But I couldn’t walk faw..William pulled from my black jacket tightly and pulled me closer to him…

“Jasmine…” He said in a firm voice…

I tried to get rid of him..But he was too strong to let me go…

“William..Shall I talk with you later..I must find my friends now” I tried to escape from him..But he didn’t let me go so easily

“Wait a second… It’s your birthday today..isn’t it..But you never told me about that..WHY? I’m your closest male friend..but I don’t know about your birthday! How funny..” He said in dismay…

Cassie was staring at us from the Lab..she had angry eyes…!

“Ahh…Don’t think much..I didn’t want to bother you and Cassie..I mean you are always with her..So how can I bother you guys..also she is quick-tempered..” I tried to pick accurate words to explain him ghastly… My words flew out like a waterfall…

William had the decency to blush..”Oh that’s the problem..Well she’s nothing to me… I just spend more time with her these days”

LIAR! He was a big liar..He lied again!

I knew that they were lovers..But what’s the point of William to hide that fact from me! Is that because he didn’t care me…is that because I’m different!!

“Really” I replied,with as much as ice in my voice as I could manage….

“I’m sure you wouldn’t be so understanding if you caught me in the same situation…”

His color deepened…”You do you have to bring up that huh? Besides it was more than a few couple of flirting between you and Dastan..Ohh Also Jeramie..” he almost shouted…

“Yes it was..”I admitted… “But you would never understand how it came about…even if you were generous enough to give me a chance to explain…”

He seemed very strong…which is jawline set in a firm..determined way,so his cheek dimple no longer played hide and seek..His clean out good looks caused many ladies to look twice at him…and now he was staring at me in uninterest..I was deeply hurt with his words…I felt like some one was pinching me from thousands of nails…The cold wind hissed around us..My own hair blew and lifted up…I found myself breathing harder and harder with fear..wanting to run far away from everyone..I craved with a terrible yearning to have his love…His warmth and caring..But instead of that he broke my heart in to pieces….

For an eternally long time non of us spoke…
“I don’t even want to look at you now” his words broke me faster… it was useless to stay in-front of him anymore…I couldn’t prove that I was not wrong…I lost in front of my own fate

Without saying any word…I walked away from him slowly…William never tried to stop me… he just burned from anger….

 

Having a crush on a careless guy like William was so risky… Moreover, if you were from the opposite crowd. Moreover, if you were no one.
But making a trouble with them was another case.So I had to pretend William that everything with me was totally fine! another huge lie from the honest me! I couldn’t believe my self..In the beginning I was a normal student who wanted to succeed her education more than thinking about relationships….But right after meeting William everything changed confusedly…. I couldn’t believe that I let myself to change for a guy….!

I was walking in the Uni hallway and I met Cassie and her clique jabbering in a corner…Jasmine, are you dating two guys at once…Jeramie and Dastan??” Asked Cassie, her lips pressed together, trying so hard to hide her amusement.

“Huh?” I said in dismay…

“Congrats, anyway. We think you both are just perfect for each other,” She winked, and left me afterwards with another giggles from her cliques.

I was about to scream at her but hardly I controlled myself…

“Now I have nothing to loose..Everything went wrong..Cassie won and I lost..she has William with her now..I have no one…Only person I have with me is Dastan..I can’t let him go because of these crazy rumors…It’s good to discuss with him about this matter” I murmured to myself with frustrated feelings…

But I couldn’t think any more..right as a bullet I saw William coming towards me..I had no way to hide from him..It was too late.

“Hey” William chirped like a bird….

“Oh hi William” I said lightly..

“You are talking just like I’m a stranger”He chuckled…

“Yes you are a stranger William….you are…! I have lost my way because of you and now you are acting as you don’t know anything..Didn’t you read my eyes even for a single second..You trumpeted that you can read people..So why didn’t you read me William..You are just a liar..I hate you! Don’t break me apart again and again..Stay away from me” The voices in my head cried like never before…

“Is that so..So funny” I snarled…

“No,not a joke…I’m serious” he said…

“Noo…I don’t think so..You have misunderstood”..I blurted out so quickly with all the wrath I had within that I caught a breath..

“Okay okay…I’m sorry.” He roared with amusement..

“Hell okay!…. “I continued, diverting my gaze from William to my toes…

I felt my heart so heavy as if it weights a thousand tons….I never wanted to experience any heart break….

“Hey Jazz…Look at me”William muttered softly, carefully…

“Is there any problem with you..You have never been like this before…Why is this? Just tell me..I can’t bear your weird behavior…”

I lifted my gaze and stared at him for a while…For a second I melted and felt so over-whelmed by the way he looked at me. His gaze held so much indescribable emotions – soft and warm, affectionally as if…
“You’re not like what you think you are. You are not different – at least I’ve never once thought that you are,” He assured.
For a while he spaced out before carefully said, “…I like Jasmine Whie the way she is. Because you’re beautiful for just simply being yourself,”
His voice so soft and calming while he’s staring right into my eyes.

I wanted to kiss his lips more than anything..But I was too late for that!

My lungs felt like crushing, my eyes stung as I saw that expression. Somehow, I calmed down but a lump in my throat won’t vanish. It was not soothing the pain, only to add another scratch on my wrecked heart because no matter how much, no matter how good I tried to lie to myself, I could see, everyone could see it was a pity, a pity look he gave to me. He would never know how much that impacted me, that I despised that look on me. But I appreciated his asurrence, and smiled though so hard I wanted to shout at him that why, why he can’t see me after all this time? And had to choose someone so perfect that I felt like an idiot, loving him and keep it to myself, all this time too that I still wondering myself why I couldn’t stop.

“Feels like crying” I sighed, pretending to swoon at his words.

“Oh, no!” He wailed, throwing back his head.
I laughed and so did he, with soft laughing noise escaped his lips.
“Seriously,Jazz…you are way better than everyone here,” Said William grinning.
“But not much as Cassie,” I stated, nodding my head sagely. And he laughed.

“So,” He begin lightly, “How was your date?”
I frowned, “What date?”
He raised an eyebrow briefly at me, “Come on tell me ?”
My mouth fell down the floor. Where exactly did he get that idea?
“Huh? Is this some kind of Jeramie’s bullshit!” I chuckled.

William frowned in confusion, he never had a clue.
“I mean, I’ve never once said that I’m dating someone, not personally. So where did you get that idea, silly boy? Who said that, really?” I asked him between my laughter as I saw his bewildered expression from across.
“Uh…Jeramie said that you guys went on a date..So that’s not TRUE? -” He stammered, searching for a word. He seemed so flustered that I couldn’t stop laughing.
“Did you ever think that was all a joke? I never went on a date boy,” I burst out into a roar of laughter seeing him so puzzled.
He had no clue who I sincerely wished to date.
“Like you don’t know me,” I added.
His eyes widened as he began to finally get it, he snickered, “Damn,that Jeramie.. – I should have known,” He sighed.

“Okay..Okay..You have badly misunderstood me…Don’t listen to them please…” I said with a laugh

“It was only you that I loved truly William..Can’t you understand me..I’m in love with you…” Again the voices in my head cried ghastly…

Both of us spoke nothing..Realizing the uncomfortableness I tried to move away..

“I gotta go…I just have some science problems to solve..Don’t stand here like a stare crow..Grow up Willi” I said with a weird voice..

Again he sighed and nodded…

*********************************************************************************

“Hello Jazz…finally you have remembered me…” Dastan’s soft voice came through the phone…I was lying on my bed right after the Uni and I decided to talk about the dating problem with him….

“Don’t tell like that..You know that I was busy huh..How could I forget you my close friend…” I said slightly…I felt so fresh and good when ever I talked with Dastan..He had so many advices stored for me..Each and every day I wanted him!

“Just a joke..So how are you young lady..Having a good time at home”

“Yah Kinda..” I gaped..

“Kinda? What does that mean..is everything fine over there?” Dastan said with a blinked regretful tone.

“Yes of course..everything is fine and perfect…I was a bit tried..So no any good mood now..” I lied..

It was all because of that W-I-L-L-I-A-M…He has haunted my life my mind my soul my everything!

I have become a puppet of William…

“You will be fine soon my dear…Don’t worry..I’m here for you always” He said with a satisfying tone

His words made me feel more better…

“Thanks a lot Dastan..I feel great to feel your company”

He laughed softly…

“Actually I phoned you because…actually because…” Though I wanted to tell him about the rumors..the needed words didn’t come out from my mouth..I was shucked between two thoughts..Will Dastan think mad about me..Or will he get angry!

“Yes tell me dear…” He added

Thousands of thoughts were rolling deep on my mind and I couldn’t choose any proper decision..So again destroying all the strength I had…I decided to LIE AGAIN!

“Uhh..actually I just wanted to thank you being such a nice guy to me..I really appreciate that..I need you forever…!” God! It was so stupid..It was like a dialogue from a silly drama!

For an eternally long time he said nothing…

“You know what Jazz….I feel so lucky to have you in my life…” He said…

It was so nice of him and he was thousand times better than William..He understood everyone and everything personally..unlike William..

I wanted William to change…

but it was only a dream….

“Well, it looks like Cassie is definitely dating ,William” Stephanie said leaning in to her locker..My heart stung at the thought of how sad I was with the incident happened between William and Cassie..Those deep pathetic feelings avoided me from answering to Stephanie.. As she was waiting for my answer I nodded and gave her a tight smile..

“Now you… You look so gloomy..What happened?”  Stephanie said flatly,recognizing my change..

“Nothing..I’m tired…that’s the reason” I sighed..

She gave me a curious look,like observing a wild animal…

“Hey Jazz” Unfortunately It was William…the unexpected DISASTER,was calling me….

The feel of heat creeping up my back, I considered to just run in and curled between some wall cracks. Thought that I somehow could do that as I saw William noticed my presence,walking ghastly, and came closer to me.

“Oh, crap,” I moaned.

“What?” Stephanie asked.

“Just please, please now get me out of heree..!” I groaned frustatingly, plead to no one particular as I tilted my head upwards, as if praying to God so that I could teleport…or better vanished, even, for just a moment.

Oh, I was for sure needed help.

“Jazz,” He called my name softly.

“Tyler,” I sighed.

Stephanie looked at us in turns, she looked so puzzled, and curious as well. But then,William  turned his attention to her, staring at her expressionless. And I found it intimidating.

“I- I think I should go,” She stuttered, and began scraming her way off of our view.

I was like, “Noo…Wait!”

But I could not suppress a word.

“So, Jazz,” Said William, “Where have you been..I searched you a lot…?”

“Huh?” I pretend to be clueless.

“Where have you been? ”

“Ah..I was busy with some projects…” I blurted out.

“I’m having a big pain in my neck” I made a gesture as if I had my neck sprained, massaging it slowly back and forth, which in fact was perfectly fine, but well, Dramatists always make everything looks real….

I was so surprised that I almost jump out of my skin when he reached his hand and touched my ‘sprained neck’, replacing my hand as he massaged my neck tenderly, sent chills down my spine.

With anger I jumped away…

He gasped with a curious look…. “What happened”

“Nothing..I should go now..” I insisted

I tried to walk away from him..

William walked with me in silence. The silence was better in time, because it kept me sane rather than hearing his deep, heavenly voice. But when I finally put my English Classic dictionary from my backpack , he broke the silence by asking, “What’s wrong with you?,”

It was more like a statement than a question.

Silence was much better.

“Uh,” I hesitated.

I mean, was this the right time to tell him all? But the sooner the better, wasn’t it?

“Well, I don’t…” I stumbled.

“Hm?”

I opened my mouth, but hesitated to speak up. But I thought like, whatever, before it was too late to tell him, it’d turn out worse.

“Actually…I…I..I..”

“Yo, William!” Someone interrupted, “You see Harry back there?”

I whirled around and saw Jason, one of our classmate, one of the populars, one of so many snobs that was most annoying than others. He was walking toward us, with some other two following behind.

Jason looked at me as if I was a mushed grape on the sideways.

“No,” William answered coldly.

From all the snobs, or means popular, or some might say, an A-list, which mostly were William’s friends, one that he resented the most was Jason. Because Jason was so arrogant, obnoxious….

“Hi, Jazz,” Jason turned to me

“Hi”

“So how’s the party?” He asked me.

“It was great…” I lied..But it was the worst party ever in my life…

“Amazing,”He beamed.

I saw William observing me curiously…I felt so uncomfortable with his looks..

“Ahh…William…Congratz” Those words came out from my mouth eventually

Again he gave me a narrow look

“For what?”

“For your new girl friend C-A-S-S-I-E…As you are having a girl now..I think we should not hang around a lot..Isn’t it…”

“Whoa..whoa.. What’s going on..is that true William?” Jason interrupted

“I gotta go” Before William speak another word..I walked away from him and his friends faster

I walked as fast as I can..It was the most needed thing for me during that time..

I heard William calling me… but I pretended like I didn’t hear him calling…

*******************************************************************

“We held a party once at a cemetery,” Said Dastan.I was helping him with his assignments…

I raised my eyebrow in amusement, “Seriously?”

“Yeah – I know that It’s weird?” Isaac laughed.

“But that’s interesting..Well I don’t believe in evil spirits and blah blah..I don’t believe in ghosts” I said with a laugh

“But I do..I believe in ghosts…Some come even after their death to watch their loving ones..Or to take them” Dastan spooked

His words made me scared…So I tried to change the topic..

“So Why didn’t you come to Cassie’s party last night..She invited you right?” I noted.

“Yeah But I was not interested….and I was not feeling good too..So didn’t you go out last night with Jeramie”

I shrugged, “Ah no..I couldn’t say no to Cassie..Because she is a popular chick here…So didn’t want to ignore their invitation”

Another freaky Lie..

“Was that a fancy looking one” Dastan quoted as I laughed in amusement.

“Just kidding” He said while I shook my head in disbelief.

“I don’t like random occasions..I’m not a party popper actually,” He concluded.

“Yeah, me too,” I said.

“Enough about parties…So tell me..what’s new with you..also you have changed a lot..your outfits and so on” Dastan winked at me.

I frowned, “Well…Nothing special..Just wanted to have a change?”

He grinned mischievously, “Don’t lie…There must be a reason… Just spill it,”

I narrowed my eyes as I tried to think of a fair lie..

I felt so confuse that my frown got deeper, and deeper ’til my forehead hurts.

“Come on….I was just asking….You look weird these days..Always getting confused like a baby” Dastan asked me quietly with an even deeper frown on his forehead.

He was true…!! All happened because of William..I kept big hopes on him like a fool and from a glance..he vanished all my hopes…

But then, out of the blue, I heard someone snorted, and it sounded not so pleasant. I scanned around the class room and found that Cassie and William was watching us talking….

“Ah…I changed because you told me that I must change..that’s the reason” I scoffed, “God, You are kidding.You changed because of me??”
Jason laughed mockingly at me.

I saw William narrowing his eyes to us…. It was my chance to take an advantage…

“Yah..I’m not joking..”

I looked penetrating dead straight into his eyes, then travelled my gaze from his top of head to his tip of toes, long and hard.

“You know what Dastan….I really like you..You are so good and impressive…” I admired him heavenly

His cheeks started turning in to red.. and from a sigh he touched my hands softly..I felt the heat of his both hands..He was like an oven…But his hot hands were a shelter for my frogging hands…

But I have no idea. There was something else that snapped me deep within. Perhaps I was stressed because the whole day and night I had been haunted by the lovey-dovey scene I saw the previous night…

We started at each others eyes for a long time…Dastan’s eyes were sparkling like stars….

Suddenly I heard a crack sound…which disturbed both of us…

“Whoops…Sorry my back pack fell down..” I saw William confessing,looking at us….

I stared at him like a fool…Floating in his deep thoughts…I was in love with him..I had nothing to hide..But he broke my heart and left me like a heartless person…I was a heartless lady..Helpless girl looking for an affection..But the person whom I wanted an affection was the one..who Destroyed my everything..I couldn’t think of anything apart from that!

“Thank god..You are here finally..” Roxanne said,when she saw me coming to the party at Cassie’s place…It was a small fancy party with few couple of people…I saw guys and girls rushing to the barbeque..They looked so happy and cheerful….

I gave my friends a smile while checking whether my dress is okay.. It was a short red frock and it was suiting perfectly for the occasion

I turned around and searched for William,But I couldn’t find him.. “Hey where’s William..I should talk with him” I said while taking a handful of popcorn from the popcorn bowl,which Stephanie brought with her..

“I don’t know man..This party is boring…” Roxanne said with a crunchy voice..

“Hey let’s get inside..It’s hot here…Maybe we can find William and the other friends there” Stephanie suggested…

We went up the garden path, crazy paving leading us past a hedge and a solitary rosebush to a pebble dashed facade. We rang the doorbell, and the door was opened by a girl.

“Hey welcome…” She said with a cheerful voice…

For my amazement she was good,unlike Cassie..

“I’m Cassie’s sister…Jennifer.. You guys must be her friends right?”

Three of us nodded…

“C’mon Almost all have arrived now..” She said while leading us to a room..and it was their KITCHEN! Hell that was terrible..we were her visitors and she was taking us to their kitchen… Non of speak anything..we followed her like puppets…

We saw so many familiar faces inside the house and they all were UNI students… They were enjoying themselves…Some of them were dancing and talking.. I narrowed my eyes in-order to see whether William was among them..But still I was unable to find him…

“Want some beer” Jennifer asked pointing some beer cans on the kitchen pantry..

“Feel free to take what you want..Give me few minutes I want to check whether all are fine here..”

When Jennifer was gone,Roxy started talking..

“Man..This is weird..I must take a beer now..”

I didn’t like beer, not back then. I went off to see if there was something I wanted to drink. On the kitchen table stood a large bottle of Coca-Cola, and I poured myself a plastic tumblerful, and I didn’t dare say anything to them because I was thinking about William..

Cassie’s house was deeper than it looked, larger and more complex than the two- up two- down model I had imagined. The rooms were under-lit — I doubt there was a bulb of more than 40 watts in the building…It looked so overwhelming..

“Hey let’s take a look around here…I really hate this now..I mean no one is caring about us..All are in their own worlds” Steffi complained

“Yah..Now jennifer is missing too” I said with a depressed voice..

“Cheer up guys..Don’t think like that..Let’s get out from here and let’s join with the other guys” Roxy said.. and It was the only thing which we had to do..

We walked steadily into the living room, which was across the hall from the room where the people were dancing, and I sat down on a sofa in a corner. There was a boy sitting there already. He had dark hair, spooky, and a nervous manner.

“I love being a tourist,” he said, and smiled hesitantly. he had a glass of coca-cola and he sipped the tap water as if he were an adult sipping a fine wine. “The last tour, we went to sun, and we swam in gunfire pools with the whales. We heard their histories and we shivered in the chill of the outer places, then we swam  deep where the heat churned and comforted us.

I shrugged and stared at him.. “Who are you?” Though I wanted to ask,I gave him a tight smiled and nodded..

“Do you believe in super natural things?” He questioned

“Like what?” I asked

“Like me…” He gave me a weird reply..

Realizing the joke..I laughed..And it was a fake laugh..!!! I was feeling so awkward with the guy,but I pretended like I’m fine…We were sitting close at the center of the sofa now.Suddenly he put an arm around me, but casually. I gasped and Stood up from the sofa..

“I think I gotta go now..Because I’m searching for someone”

Before the guy speak a word..I hurried ghastly to another room.. Suddenly I remembered Steffi and Roxy..

I started searching for them everywhere But they were missing…and I realized that I have lost my way on a dark corridor…

For an eternally long time I kept walking through the corridor and found a large door in a corner.. I grabbed the door ball and it opened easily..

“Whoa..another entrance..” I said while pushing the door…

For my amazement the room was filled with music and people..It looked so dark just like a stripping club..Guys and girls were dancing and chilling with each other..I saw some of them kissing each other and sucking themselves like animals..It was a disgusting picture to look at… I ignored them and walked towards the room..Guys and girls went rushing others like they have never seen a party before…

“Is this a hidden place..” I murmured to my self… “Maybe this place is for Cassie’s special friends…Which means I can find William here”

With that happy thought I walked towards… and caught up them in a corner..! C-A-S-S-I-E and W-I-L-L-I-A-M

I was stuck – terribly dumbfounded as I saw them kissing. I mean, it was not the first time I saw them making out, no. I’d seen it several times. But the feelings from having them, just before my eyes, ROMANCING!

It was somehow painful like I was being stabbed over and over right in the same spot – and it hurts.
I tried to get a hold of my self, I tried not to give a damn about it and just acted usual, but – It was just, hard.

It wasn’t just because of the kiss that upsets me, it was just, when I looked at them, they were just perfect and seemed like made for each other, like, they were meant to be.

And so that I felt like a loser. A poor rotten loser.

I no longer could think anymore.

Yet, I only had a space to think back at my foolishness which even thought in the slightest moment that he might have, he would just…

God, I wish I didn’t have this goddamn feelings for him whatsoever – It was killing me.

For my unlike, I saw William caught me,watching them!.I wanted to cry loudly…But I knew I couldn’t.

All I did was running out from the room…

I could not bear liking him more than I already am. Moreover when I knew that I would never have him, moreover that I’d seen those intimate scenes which proved that he liked Cassie so much that he cares about her so much, that…

…It hurts.

Now I knew love could be so much painful. In abrupt they came to me, blocking all the senses that left, making me all happy and smiley like a total idiot. They took me away, show me how it feels to live in heaven. But then, in abrupt also they crashed me down to hell.
I was fully aware, when I first discovered this feelings, that I might be at risk. Since then, I’ve had this gigantic burden on my back for years.

There was no way, there would be no way for him to know. Even for the slightest clue.

*********************************************************************

Next day I went to university, uneasy and heavy-hearted I stepped down the porch, and had to see the same spot which made my heart-broken last night. I sighed like I’d been holding my breath all night, I could not fall asleep either – my brain kept working, it could not stop replaying every single details, that I had not such a wink.

Not everybody knows how it feels to love their own friend. It was great, yet complicated as well. In my case, it was not great and more than complicated.

“Yesterday the party was useless… You didn’t eat anything Jazz… That soup was disgusting…” Stephanie started her usual complains again..But I had no any mood to answer her questions..But How could I tell them that I was a broken kid..Because of seeing Cassie and William KISSING each other…They will call me a prankster.. Because almost all knew that Cassie and William are closed ones..So kissing each other was not a big problem for them..Also they have already became lovers with that incident….

I couldn’t think of anything anymore..I decided to avoid William talking with me..

Till the lunch time..I didn’t see William…I was so happy and feeling good with that..

After the lunch I decided to go to the library…

Just when I passed the science lab,on the way to the library..I saw William coming towards me…

“Oh, crap,” I moaned.

I really didn’t feel like meeting him right now, let alone talk to him! I just found it better for me to breathe without any guilty and without feeling burdened for just even thinking about him, – for god’s sake!

But now, there he was standing in front of me, towering me.

My heart stung at the sight of how irresistably good-looking he was. His disheveled hair, his grayish eyes, his lips, his broad chest…

Oh, I was for sure needed help.

“Jazz,” He called my name flatly.

“yap,” I sighed.

“Well…Thanks for coming last night..”

Staring at him almost made me burst in tears. It was easier if he ignored me. That way I could easily walked out of his life and so was he. Before it’s too late. Before I determined and got hurt more than I deserved, more than all the tormenting thoughts that he could never be mine. Even facing the fact that he had a girlfriend, I still liked him.

I infuriated myself though, that I was in love with him. I felt so bad because he already found what’s best for him, a perfect girlfriend for every matters.

He finally realised that I’d been staring at him, he looked up at me and smiled.
He drew back his hand hesitantly and ran his fingers through his hair.

“My pleasure” I said turning away from him…

“Hey hey..Where are you going huh?” William said loudly…

“I..I..I..just have some home works….I’ll catch you later” I said while running through the corridor,away from him..and he never knew that I ran away because I WAS DIEING INSIDE…!

“Hello Jazz……” Dastan’s voice came floating toward me through the passage with busy students…. “Where have you been…” I said,holding my backpack tightly…

He threw back his head and laughed…” I was not well…So I decided to take some rest…You didn’t call me even…what’s new?” He wanted to know…

“Oh I’m really sorry Dastan..I didn’t know that you were not well…Also I was not in a good mood too” I said,my voice steady,but my confidence already beginning to steep away..

“It’s okay Jazz…Cheer up…” He said,as if I might be un ware of that fact that It’s okay for not calling him….

“No It’s my fault actually..You were always with me but I was not with you in your most wanted times” I sounded sure of myself,even if I wasn’t exactly feeling that way..The only thing I was thinking about was W-I-L-L-I-A-M…But I never wanted to tell Dastan about that….

“C’mon leave it…So tell me what is new with you” Dastan said,his deep voice gripping with curiosity.. “Well…I’m dating someone…” I uttered with fear… I stared a while to observe his feelings… Dastan started turning red like a tomato.. “You are dating SOMEONE?…what does that mean?”

“Well..Nothing big despite that..Just to take an experience about guys…” I could tell Dastan was smiling…I could hear it in his voice.. “Thank god..That’s better..Thought that you are dating someone seriously to make him your lover….”

“Yes Dastan..I only want to make William jealous of me…” Though I wanted to tell those words…My hand started shaking…I dropped my hand so he wouldn’t see it shaking,But I couldn’t disguise the growing unsteadiness in my voice…. “Yah…I’m not serious”

I gave him a tough smile….

“I think your friends are waiting for you..” he said while pointing Stephanie and Roxanne whom were watching us at the canteen…

“Oh god…They always use to study at canteen..Thought they were at library…” I said in dismay..

“Hm..Okay Dastan..It’s great to see you again..I’d better go now..”

“Okay Jazz..See you later..”

After waving Dastan,I hurried to the canteen….

“Here you come..We were waiting for you from a long time..” Steffi said..

“I was searching for you two…” I cried..

“Thank God Dastan showed me you guys…” I comforted myself in a cozy seat…

“What is happening between you and that Jeramie?” Roxy said with a confused look..

“Nothing at all..Just hanging out..” I lied…

Then apparently seeing my expression..though I don’t know how…Steffi softened her tone..

“Jazz Jazz..what ever you are doing..Please be careful..I don’t think that Jeramie is good for you..” Steffi said,pulling one of her hands

I didn’t say anything.I don’t think that I could have spoken If I’d tried…It was hard enough to think…All I could think about was William and what he is doing… Soon I wanted to stop my crazy behavior…

“Are you listening…” Roxy said..I could feel her curiosity..

“Yah…” I chided….

“You are crazy..” Steffi snapped…

Before I could make any statement…I saw William coming towards me… “Here comes the other disaster…BACK BACK!” Roxy said…

“The main reason for Jasmine’s weird behavior is this guy…He has make her a total geek..” Steffi said in disgust..

“For your information..I DON’T THINK SO” I replied with sarcasm..

“Hey Jasmine…Can I have a word with you please…” William said with a toneless voice…

“Yah…Sure..” I said while standing

William had no any expression on his face..He just looked like a spooky statue without any feeling…

“Well..we are planning to have a small party tonight at Cassie’s place…So came to invite you and your friends…”

“Whoa..That’s awesome..” Steffi said with a cheerful voice…I stared at her with a curious look because before few minutes she accused William and now after hearing the word PARTY..she can’t even remember how she felt about him…

William gave her a soft smile…

“Looks like your friends accepted my invitation…” He said lowering his steady tone..

“Yes yes we all are coming” Roxy replied,before I make any word…

“Woww..Thanksss…” He said twisting his hands..

“when is the party” I questioned..

“Oops..I just forgot..You guys have a very small time to get prepare..Party is tonight..”

Unfortunately It was the most worst reply for me…It was a word that didn’t exactly engender the same response in William…

“Gosh..William I’m sorry I can’t come… I’m extremely sorry…” I replied shortly,with a worried expression..

“WHAT?” William,Stef and Roxy cried at once…

“William..Cant you remember that I have  a date with Jeramie tonight..We are going to watch a movie…So I can’t come..Hope you can understand me….”

“What do you mean? I didn’t know that… Hey you can make it on another day..You must come tonight..I hate the word NO..” William said ghastly with an angry look…

“Hey..Don’t lie..I told you about that yesterday..” I cried..

“No You didn’t..Also are you going to miss this occasion because of that Jeramie… huh?” William cried in dismay..

“That’s true..Come on Jazz..Lets go…” Roxy said…

Before I could think of something to say,he figured it out on his own..

“Fine…I’m totally disappointed..because I invited all my friends..So Wanted you to come to enjoy with us… Stupid of me…Thought that you feel the worth of our friendship and the helps we exchanged.. But now I know that you think about LOVE AFFAIRS more than the FRIENDSHIP…” Tonelessly he said…

I shrugged..I was like locked inside a cupboard…

Before I could think of something to say that would lighten the situation..or at least get his mind off from those stupid ideas…the last person in the world I wanted to live with WILLIAM..said in a quite difference tone… “Enjoy with Jeramie..I felt for you in a different way..That’s why I was disappointed..I’m sorry Jasmine… Hope your best friends will come..”

He turned to go..

“Look William..I didn’t…….” before I finish my words,William walked away from us….

Like a fool…I stood there in the middle of the canteen without saying any word…

**************************************************************************************

“Can you do that for me?”  Dastan said

I tuned in to what Dastan was saying to me a little to late…And I couldn’t ask “what was that..Dastan” because then he’d want to know what I’d been thinking about..Instead of playing attention to what he was saying…

“Can you” Dastan’s blue-eyed gaze bore into mine..What could I do but sallow and nod…

“Sure..” I said,not having the slightest idea what I was promising…

“That makes me feel better Jazz..” He said…

“So Can you help me now..I want to hand it over to our science teacher before evening..Are you free now”

Oh…Now I knew what he’d been talking about..Dastan wanted my help to finish his science assignment

But I was not in a good mood to help him..I was thinking about William all the time..It was my fault to hurt him like that…The words he said “I felt for you in a different way” Made me so pathetic,because How could I tell him that I never wanted to date Jeramie… I wanted William to realize my value..But eventually he has realized that I’m something to him..I’m sure that he likes me somewhere..There was no any need  to make him realize about me…He has already understood that we have a close bond between each other..So do I have to continue this dating ACT anymore..? No I don’t..I don’t want to do that..I must tell William about how I feel for him..I want to tell him that I like him in an unbelievable way..I want to express him how much I need him… I waited for a long time..But not anymore…  I was stunned and deeply hurt,so much so I felt mortally wounded,I was speechless..My lips gaped and I wanted to plead William for him to give me chance to express my real feelings..I wanted to confess everything…Hot,blinding tears stung my eyes..I struggled not to cry as Dastan was there…

“What are you thinking about Jasmine?” Dastan wanted to know…

“Ah No nothing…Dastan I think I should go now… Because I have something important to do..Please forgive me…I promise..I’ll help you with your assignment..But now I’m so helpless as well as not feeling good” I said while picking up my stuff..

Dastan gave me a soft look..

“Okay sure Jazz..No problem..Yes I trust you more than me… ” Dastan gave me a satisfying reply..

“Thanks a lot savior…” I said while leaving him…

I ran faster and faster like a cheetah… “I won’t lie to anyone again..Today I hurt William badly…I can’t do that with him… I cant loose the bond with him because of Jeramie..”

After a huge search I found Jeramie at the grounds with his friends..

“Hey Jasmine… Surprised after seeing you here..” Jeramie shouted,giving a narrow look

“I know that Jeramie… Well I just wanted to apologize from you”  confessed meaninglessly..

“apology for what…I can’t understand…”

“Well…I mean I never wanted to go out with you either date you..All I did was to make someone jealous of me being with another guy..I’m sorry I spoiled your valuable time…Also I cant go out with you tonight…” Those words eventually came out from my mouth

“Huh what? You mean what?”

“Gosh..cant you understand? Okay Simply I want to say what is..I CANT GO OUT WITH YOU..really sorry…” I said with an angry look

“But why? You said that you like to go…But why suddenly like this without any reason?” Jeramie said in dismay

“Because I like someone else…you got it?”

For an eternally long time Jeramie said nothing…

“Then why did you date me?”

“Look I did that because I was acting…. ”

“What the hell…You were acting?”

“Let me explain clearly Jeramie..I liked a guy…But he doesn’t like me..So I dated you because to make him jealous of me for being with guys…So now I think that I don’t have to act like that anymore…So I wanted to apologize from you..Please forgive me…”

Jeramie’s expressions started changing vastly…. “You are a slut..You used me..” He cried loudly..

As I was not in a mood to fight I chided “I know..I’m sorry…”

Before the problem become big,I moved away without making another word…I saw Jeramie telling his friends about the incident… “Another enemy”

The only thing I had to do is finding a place to sit alone……..

 

 

 

 

“I can’t understand you Jasmine..Like I mean… You are so unreadable… ”  Stephanie claimed..

“She is correct…. You went out with Dastan and started hanging out with him..so we thought that you guys like each other from the way you two behaved..and now you are talking about someones else named Jeramie..What does it mean Jasmine? Are you taking everything as a joke or do you want to use guys? Just tell me..If you don’t like Dastan,then why did you went out with him like that?” Roxy leaned back,shaking her head..

I understood,what they felt but I didn’t want to explain them that I was doing everything to make William jealous of me…Probably they must be thinking that I playing with feelings of those two guys but I had a morbid interest on William..That’s why I had to use both Dastan and Jeramie in the same manner…I wanted William to pay attention on me instead of thinking about Cassie…

I anticipated all kinds of difficulties in getting Williams attention towards me… I even thought he’d pretend not to care about me a lot,or pretend he likes Cassie more than me,for I had not done one thing to make myself look like that old shy girl…And then,sitting in the window of the school canteen,I spotted William coming.He was laughing and talking expressively to a pretty girl seated across from him…This contingency had never brushed my mind,at least not seriously,that he could be seeing someone else…So there I stood in the lightly floor,not knowing what to do….

“Hey Jasmine…are you listening to us?” Destroying all my thoughts,Stephanie tickled me…

“Oh yah I am…..” I replied shortly…

“It’s getting near for our exams…I didn’t even touch a book” Roxy said..

“Me either…” Stephanie agreed

I couldn’t reply because I was watching William and the pretty girl who was chilling with him….

I sighed wistfully for all my wishes that seemed never to come true…And then…While I disbelieved what my eyes saw,William leaned across the table and teased that girl’s face with his lips,ending up in a real kiss,the kind that lasted and lasted…

I hated him!!!! I hated her!!!! Be damned on you,William Rochester…. You are no different from any other guy on the make…

I spun on my heel,not realizing the tiles would be so slippery.and down I went,flat on my back.Ungainly sprawled,I stared up at the wooden roof,totally stunned that I could have done something so stupid..I wasn’t hurt…I refused everyone who tried to assist me up…Stephanie and Roxy were crying,giving me their hands..But I ignored… and then William came faster towards me…His first words proved that he cared a bit about me as a friend…”My god Jasmine,what are you doing flat on your back?”

Without asking permission to help,he put his hands under my armpits and lifted me up..I struggled to keep my footing,and that forced me to cling on him,amusement sparkling in his eyes..”The next time you buy boots,I would try some with lower heels”

The girl who was with William was staring at us,with anger in her eyes…. “I can walk by my own…Thanks for the help William…” I greeted in a husky low voice,trying to hide my embarrassment.. I released my grip on him,having found my footing,then brushed dirt from my coat…

“Wait..wait Jasmine… I can help you,also you don’t need to thank me” William tried to grab my hand tightly..

I threw him an angry look that would have stung if looks could stub.”Your girl friend is waiting for you there….”

I whacked my hand and slipped out from the canteen… I heard William calling me from my behind,But I was so hurt and depressed to answer his questions…Instead of looking at him I held my back pack tightly…..

******************************************************************************

“So Jasmine White… another uncommon name to my ears…” Jeramie Brown narrowed his blue eyes towards me.. Both of us were having a nice team at a fancy coffee shop and we were trying to get know about each other..

“Yah.. It is…” I gave a short answer while observing around..

“You look so confused Jasmine..why is that?” again he questioned..

“No actually..I think it’s because you are a total stranger to me…”

“Stranger?? Me…ha ha..Yah I know about girls..Well you are correct from your side..But I don’t want you to think about me as a creepy stranger” he said while comforting himself on the cozy chair

“I know,I know..So tell me about you..”

“About me…Hmphh.. Well I’m a typical guy.. Also fun loving..a music maniac…..Hmm.. what else..” He replied shortly

“That’s quite enough for now I think..” I giggled

he gave me a creepy look..

“Tell me about you then..”

“Okay…I like to define myself under few words… Shy… Straight forward… Quick-tempered..also addicted to books..I love traveling and reading…That’s why I’m quite different from other girls…” I explained awkwardly..

“Uh..But you don’t look like that from your girls..Aren’t you?” He said with a husky voice

“Ya.. I agree..But clothes cannot change peoples inner appearances..They only change the outer appearance…” I gave a wise answer.

Jeramie took a while to observe me.. he started biting his lower lip just like he was a philosopher.. “You are so intelligent..also interesting.. I like that big difference in you…”

“Thanks..My pleasure to hear that you like my traits..”

“Yes I do..Of course girls must be quick-tempered,because they need that strongly to handle guys…So you owe it”

Jeramie was not the boy whom I thought of..He looked more like a broad thinker…

“But guys don’t like such kind of girls right?” I questioned..

It took him a long time to reply…He sipped his coffee slowly…

“Well..most of the guys don’t..But personally I admire such kind of girls….By the way..I saw you hanging out with Dastan Southee..Any thing special going between you..If so..I’m doing something bad by thinking about you..”

Jeramie was really impressive..He should be more than 50 years..that much he talked so wisely,which I thoroughly liked…

“Oh no…Dastan is just a friend and just spent time with him to get know more about him…” I lied!!!!

I never wanted to hell Jeramie,the truth about how I really feel for William..and about using Dastan..

“That’s not a big deal..You must try guys before making a decision..Even I’m not telling you to think about me,this much soon..But let me give  a try to win your heart first..But first of all,we must get know about each other as we hardly know about us…Isn’t it?”

“I like the way you think about people..also I have no any objections to disagree with you…”

Jeramie laughed softly..

“I think this coffee shop doesn’t suit for that…What do you think?”

“You mean what? Going somewhere else?”

“Ah you got it… What about going for a movie..Don’t worry..I’m not compelling you..Just an suggestion because there we can get know about each other a lot with the fun and excitement.. It’s so boring here,so non of speak  a word..” I shrugged because I didn’t expect to go for a movie with Jeramie this soon…Also I didn’t want to date him..I just wanted to make William jealous of me for talking with guys and now everything was turning upside down ghastly without knowing…

But from any cost I had no any reason to reject Jeramie’s idea..Instead of saying NO,” That’s a great idea..I like that….” I finally said in a slow way..

“Oh great…Well I’m so impatient..If you don’t mind..Tomorrow is a better day…so what do you think?”

I took some time to reply because I was trying to remember whether I have any works to do on tomorrow…After realizing that It’s a free day, I agreed with him

“Okay then great..There’s a science-fiction movie named spirit..Let’s go to watch that movie okay..I will come near to the cinema..because I don’t think that it’s good to pick you up as still I’m a stranger for you..”

I smiled at Jeramie..he cared a lot about my dignity..That’s the best thing….

*************************************************************************

“Gosh you will never believed me William..Jeramie is amazing amazing amazing… He is so intelligent..I have never seen such kind of guy in my entire life period…I’m so lucky to date him..” I cried while William and I were going to the science lab..

“Laugh out loud ha ha..I’m jealous of Jeramie…” William put his tongue out  at me

“Stop teasing..I’m serious..I’m so impressed…”

I tried pretend that I was so excited and happy about meeting Jeramie..But it was a big lie..I didn’t even want to talk about Jeramie,in-front of William…. If William liked me too..I would never behave like a freak who is crazy for a guy like Jeramie..

I wanted to take the revenge from him,for kissing a girl in-front of me…

“So… What did he say?” After an eternally long time,William questioned…

“Today we are going for a movie…” I replied

My replied made William so confused and curious..

“What? are you crazy..Are you going for a movie with him..with a stranger like him? You even don’t know well about him..He is an ass-cracker..Don’t go..I’m telling you” He roared..

“Why what’s the big deal huh..I will go tonight…” I cried

“just don’t gooo..” He gave me an angry look..

“I will go..whats your problem?” I shouted at him..Hopefully he seemed a bit jealous..But he didn’t show me that he is jealous…

It was the only hope I had… As William didn’t want me to go with Jeramie..I had to go..Because I really needed William to get angry

“Because I don’t like Jeramie….. And you are my friend… ”

“What’s the point between being your friend and Jeramie…? Don’t be silly..I won’t miss this chance… Also you can spend the whole time with your girl friend..But what about me huh?” I hissed in a husky voice

“hey she is……….” “Enough..enough…” I replied,before he could say another word…

“May be you guys can come with us too..It would be fun and interesting..” I smiled at him in a cunning way…

“no thanks… I don’t care….it’s your life and your decisions…carry on..” William went away, passing me….

 


Hello Everyone!

Faded Vanilla Twilight is my new story and hope you all will enjoy it...Have a nice day! :)

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